...he asked me openly whether our daughter was his

My boyfriend had more street sense than me. he knew where and how to buy the drugs we used. I was the who kept track of the spending money. We smoked regularly and before long, the consequences came. I started getting lousy grades in college (which impacts me even to this day having brought down my GPA at Hunter, even though I recently did 3.0 to 3.75 work per semester.), we were almost evicted and thrown on the streets due to not paying rent for almost a year. After the birth of my child, I continued to smoke and ruined her milk. Later I was told by my doctor that drug residue had been found in my placenta. This was grounds for child welfare involvement, but through the grace of God, it didn't happen.

However I wasn't thinking about God at the time. I continued using even when my husband was let go from a good job because of drug possession. I was always ridiculed for my relationship with him back when he used to deal cocaine from his brother's bar. At that time, I was told "Is this the best you can do?" "He's a bum, get better than this!" "You're an idiot for seeing him. Thank God your mother isn't alive to see this! " and so on. Still, I smoked. I'd leave our daughter in her crib, for hours on end so that I could just sit, smoke and watch TV, or listen to music. What I thought was a simple, after-hours recreational unwinder began to interfere with my health, paying the bills and my relaitonships with my family, husband, and daughter. Eventually, my use drove me to things I swore I'd never do.

It was December 1, 1992 when my husband informed me that he was going to stop using. I threw a fit. He was my buyer and if he stopped, where would I get my drugs from? I attacked him with every dirty word I could think of, some I even invented. I was so angry with him. I only began to see my downward spiral for the first time, when he asked me openly whether our daughter was his. The impact of that question will stay with me until God calls me home. My using had caused me to lose control, to become promiscuous when looking to buy drugs, owing rent money, and risking losing my child by getting high in front of her.

Shortly after, we were invited to church where we studied the Bible and were baptized together as husband and wife. We eventually graduated CR together, one of the first couples in our region to do so. Although my marijuana use didn't progress to harder drugs, the memories and repercussions of my use will always remain with me. God allowed me go into the bottom of the pit, only to come out redeemed by Christ. Just as in Romans 8:28-39, Paul tells us that in Christ we are all more than conquerors.

God has now allowed my family to grow stronger than ever, while seeing the lives of those we got high with end in divorce, death, jail, seperation from their children and their children themselves turning to drugs. We've been clean for nine years this December, praise God. I'm still a drug addict taking it one day at a time. I'll always be a drug addict needing to watch what I do, the company I keep and to always stay humble in what God has done for me, and will continue to do in our lives. Our marriage, our family, and our relationship with God is successful today because of God and His Son Jesus. To God be the Glory.