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I Never Dealt With How I Felt


 Editor    Feb 04 : 14:33
 None    Recovery Stories

I started drinking at age 15.

I started drinking at age 15. The first time I got drunk was with beer. I always felt that I could never fit in to any group at school, or in my family. I was adopted, and even though I never knew this until my thirties, I had always felt separate from my family. School was no different, I just couldn't fit into any group not even the band I was a part of.

I abused alcohol, cigarettes and marijuana until age 32
My father was an alcoholic, a verbally abusive one. I always felt embarrassed with my friends around him, and would get angry at his 'episodes' of drunkenness. I drank to escape the emptiness in my heart, but I also drank to fit in. It became cool to drink, then to smoke cigarettes, then marijuana. I smoked in the house, in my room. It was my haven to get away from my family. I never dealt with how I felt. I would get angry, sad, embarrassed, lonely and run to whatever I had on me to use.

I abused alcohol, cigarettes and marijuana until age 32. The last time I got drunk, was at a party where the champagne poured for free, so my glass was never empty. At the end of the night, I was sick to my stomach. I had never felt this sick before. I tried to eat, but couldn't. Nothing, not even the 'bread trick' would soak up all the alcohol in my system. I went home and went to bed, frightened not knowing if I would wake up.

When I did, I was in a pool of sweat, the room stank of champagne. It was as if I had soaked the blankets with bottles of champagne and poured the rest around the room. It was then that I realized I could have died from alcohol poisoning. I also realized that God had saved me. I started to pray and beg God to reveal himself to me. I told Him that I didn't know how to get out of this life that I hated so much. I knew if I committed suicide, I wouldn't go to heaven and this kept me alive.

I worked with a woman who was always reading her bible and I admired her character. It was evident she was doing something right. She invited me out to a Women's Day and by the end of the event, I knew I wanted to be a part of this family of God's. I studied the bible and went to the Chemical Recovery group. It was scary to be open about my life to these women. Even though they tried to help me understand God's love for me, I couldn't grasp it at first. I'm still 'getting' it now. The group helped me to come to the realization that I didn't need to use if I kept God in my life, and stayed close to him. I graduated the group only to realize two years later, the healing hadn't yet finished. I am now experiencing emotions I hadn't dealt with the whole time I was using, abusing and being abused.

I learned that I had been verbally and sexually abused during my using and emotions concerning this continue to surface I had never learned how to handle them before. I am getting the help I need through other graduates who have experienced what I am now going through. I thank God for His love, His Word, and the new family of believers he has surrounded me with that help me to understand that I'm normal and a lot of what happened to me wasn't my fault. Ultimately, I am understanding how much God truly loves me and will never leave me. I can wholeheartedly say and believe that where I am now, is exactly where God wants me to be, as I continue to heal.


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