I remember smoking so much PCP I thought I would never be normal again.

My use quickly led to abuse. By the age of fourteen I was using on a daily basis. Not only was I using almost everyday, but I was using almost everything I could lay hands on, marijuana, PCP, LSD, mescaline, mushrooms, crystal, metamphetamines, and cocaine. Whatever we could get we used. This went on from the age of fourteen to about seventeen.I was doing marijuana and drinking during the week and weekends. I would do the hard drugs all weekend long. I remember smoking so much PCP I thought I would never be normal again. Everyone was laughing at me. I was so afraid I started talking to God. "Oh I blew it this time, please let me come down and be normal again." It felt like hours were going by and I wasn't coming down at all. Usually, I would get sad and angry when I started to come down. But this time I thought I was going to be permanently messed up.

I had many more experiences like this. Once I did so many different drugs in one night (mescaline, PCP, LSD, Cocaine, Marijuana, and alcohol), my body began to reject the drugs, I began to have cold sweats, and I threw up, I thought for sure I was dying. Fortunately I lived to see another day. I was doing terrible at school. I used to be an average student without trying too hard, but because of my drug abuse, school was no longer important. During my ninth and tenth grade I messed up so badly that by the time I entered eleventh grade I had mostly tenth grade classes. I remember feeling depressed and afraid because I knew I was destroying my future. I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. So I tried to change my mindset to "who wants to get old anyway, I don't want to live past forty ."

I ended up moving upstate to get away, but I continued doing hard drugs. I did this until about the age of 22. I left school at the age of 16, but continued to go to school at night to get my GED while I worked during the day. Then, I met a girl who didn't approve of the hard stuff . So, I stopped the hard drugs, but I drank every night until I passed out. I would go to work the next day still drunk from the night before and would smoke marijuana all day long. I would smoke at work, after work and get drunk all over again. Again my life was miserable, always feeling angry, depressed, scared or paranoid.

At the age of 26, I began abusing crack cocaine. I lost my girlfriend because of my abuse towards her and my abuse with drugs. Again I was free to use whatever I wanted. I began using so much cocaine, alcohol and marijuana, that even I knew I was way out of control. I was constantly in trouble with the law for possession of marijuana, DWI, DUI and possession of cocaine which ended in court many times. I was losing my job, my relationships, my freedom and most of my sanity. I began to wish I were dead. One night I felt like I was losing my mind. I prayed that either I die or get help with my addiction. A week or two later I was invited out to a church. I had never really been to church before and didn't really want to go, but I didn't have much of a choice if I wanted to stay living where I was living. So, I went. Through the church I got into the Chemical Recovery program.

I haven't touched a drug in over three years, one day at a time. My life is radically different. I'm learning how to deal with my emotions, and I am learning how to have relationships. I have an incredible girlfriend which I don't deserve. I am learning how to deal with responsibilities, which is very difficult. Now, I am self-employed and have some people working for me . I am dealing with things I never thought I would be able to. I have great friends, true friends who love me and are helping me to deal with many things including how to love others. I thank God for loving me and giving me a second chance at life. I also thank God for helping me to stay sober one day at a time.

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