It was then that I saw my old pattern come back

It was then I met someone who was involved in CR and it got me thinking. I wasn't thinking about myself, but about my mom who is a recovering alcoholic and my sister who is bulimic and had fallen away from the church. I thought that I could help them if I understood their problems better. For myself, I did wonder whether I should drink as a Christian because I found it hard to drink without feeling the effects of it.

My reasons for wanting to drink as a Christian were very different from when I drank in the world. I saw other Christians drinking and I wanted to be like them. I wanted to be normal so I drank too. I thought I was doing a pretty good job at it until I almost fell away after eight years as a Christian. It was then that I saw my old pattern come back. I drank for the same reasons I ever did. I wanted to escape. My problems were too overwhelming and I didn't want to deal with them. I got drunk on several occasions over a period of a month and a half. I had deceived myself into thinking that I hadn't gotten drunk, just buzzed.

I repented of many things and started doing much better spiritually but I still didn't see the losing battle I was having with alcohol until I got drunk one more time. I was doing well spiritually and I drank too much by accident. Still, it showed me that I had a problem. I felt guilty because I had been a terrible example to my non-Christian co-workers. About eight months later I started getting advice about going to New York the followig summer to go through CR. Everyone thought it was a good idea.

I still wasn't telling Christians that I thought I had a problem and I didn't tell them about these drinking episodes I'd had as a Christian. I was very ashamed. In CR, I discovered that I am an alcoholic and that I had been in a fight with alcohol for many years. I wanted to control it instead of it controlling me. I know that there are many more disciples like me who don't know or haven't yet admitted that their addiction is hurting their relatiopnship with God.

I'm back in my home church now where there still is no CR ministry. I see daily the need for it. I didn't see it before because I was deceived myself. Now I feel like God is calling me to help them.

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