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I Liked Getting High Alone

 Editor    Feb 04 : 14:54
 None    Recovery Stories

I had my first drink when I was six years old. I sampled my grandfather's rum, back while living in Puerto Rico.

As I recall, I had my first drink when I was six years old. I sampled my grandfather's rum, back while living in Puerto Rico. Both my father and grandfathers depended heavily on alcohol, so I grew up thinking that drinking to the point of drunkenness was something grown ups did for fun, similar to going to the movies or out for a drive. Although unaware at the time, by age nine, I began developing a victim mentality. I felt entitled to hurt others, because people had hurt me first.

I began experiencing both physical and mental deterioration due to the abuse
I manipulated my way out of school, homework, chores and punishment. I became adept at portraying a good girl "front". I performed well in academics, had friends in school and the teachers loved me. Deep down inside, however, I was full of anger and hatred. When my mom moved to the USA with my sister and I, my addiction began to take hold. I started sneaking drinks at my neighbor's house. I became rebellious and suicidal. I abused "over the counter" and prescription pills throughout middle and high school. I had perfected my deception so that anyone looking at me would never believe that I abused drugs. I liked getting high alone. When I started attending college, my addiction accelerated, as did my manipulative behavior. My pill abuse landed me in hospital while my partying got me expelled from my Rutgers Engineering course. I had to transfer to another University Division, due to my drinking. I was in and out of academic probation, placed myself in some very dangerous situations, practiced witchcraft, engaged in sexually immoral behavior, lied to, and betrayed, many people, including my family. The very fact I graduated at all is evidence of a gracious and forgiving God.

I moved to Boston in 1991 and my addiction to pills and alcohol worsened. I began experiencing both physical and mental deterioration due to the abuse. In 1994 I was hospitalized for psychiatric reasons. I realize now that it was all the pills and alcohol I was abusing. I was hospitalized two more times, yet continued to revel in immorality, witchcraft, manipulation and betrayal. I finally hit bottom in October 1998 --- I was working as a substance abuse counsellor and I relapsed. My husband had left me to pursue his addiction and I couldn't take any more! I begged God to help me. It was not one of my usual bargaining prayers....I didn't care what it took, I needed God to heal me.

It was then, in December 1998, separated from my husband and suffering from a relapse (I had been going to AA since 95, had gotten a sponsor, did all the right things--yet relapsed) that I decided to get in touch with a woman about changing careers. It turned out that this woman was a sister in the Boston Church. She invited me to church and having nothing better to do, I said "yes". Four weeks later, I was baptized into Christ. My first few months as a disciple were very challenging, I did not have the strength of character or the endurance to remain faithful to anything or anyone. I had another relapse two months after being baptized. Soon after this, the Chemical recovery ministry was introduced to the Boston Church. I started attending one of the groups. As I wrote my journal, I was able to see how I DID have a problem with drugs and alcohol, and how I hurt God and those around me with my use. I got in touch with the pain of my using, but most importantly, with God's grace. Life has not always been easy since my CR graduation, but it has definitely been blessed.

I am finishing my graduate work, reaching out to women at my old AA meetings. I also belong to a spiritual family group that just pulls people in and helps them to feel like family. As a result, I have been able to help lead Bible studies with friends of mine. As if this wasn't good enough, I am also dating a wonderful brother, a man of great integrity. None of this healing could have been possible without the power of God working through the Chemical Recovery ministry. To God be the Glory!!!!!

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