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I Wanted To Let It All Go

 Editor    Feb 04 : 14:21
 None    Recovery Stories

I grew up in a fairly large family (7 of us) and we lived with my Mom who cared for us and made the most out of what little we had.

I grew up in a fairly large family (7 of us) and we lived with my Mom who cared for us and made the most out of what little we had. She drank and partied on the weekends, so I was exposed to alcohol very early in life. I would try marijuana and opium at age 12 but felt it was a waste of time and money, so I would not indulge until much later.

Often, I would intimidate others to get what I wanted.
It wasn't until I went to college (age 17) that I started really indulging in all kinds of immoral behavior. College for me, like most people, marked my independence and signified my coming of age. I was attracted immediately to the parties and the apparent fun people were having and I wanted it too. I was relatively a novice when it came to the various drugs that were on the scenes, but I did not let anyone know. I acted as if I was a very knowledgeable; this was to cover up the fear that I had to try any of these things. So it was, that as a second semester freshmen I began to smoke marijuana and to drink alcohol on the weekends. It wasn't long before the weekends started earlier, on a Thursday night, and then soon after that it became a regular routine. I would get with the same group of guys and girls daily, and we would drink and smoke to get work done, or to escape the work we needed to get done. Needless to say, my grades were affected by all this; I was on academic probation, and truthfully I would never rebound even though I managed to get off academic probation.

By this time, my behavior had begun to change and many of my friends informed me of this. I felt they were in some way jealous of the popularity I began to enjoy. There was rarely a party on campus that I was not invited to; I would do just about anything I wanted when I got "high". I had no regard for the law or authority or the fellow students at the school. Often, I would intimidate others to get what I wanted. I burglarized the University Center that housed the money from all the video games and vending machines, I destroyed school property, and even indulged in lewd acts. I became a public hazard to the University and they saw me that way. Ultimately, I was kicked out of school.

I went home bitter and addicted, and I would find myself in the worst neighborhoods looking for drugs. I thought I was better than those from whom I bought the drugs, because I had at least gone to college. Knowing deep inside that I was just as much a loser as any of them, but I could not allow myself to feel this way. It only meant that I was not doing what I was supposed to and that only made me feel guilty. Guilty because of the disappointment and shame that I had caused in my family. The way to deal with this was not to deal with this, so I just simply didn't go around the family much.

By now it seemed that I was now getting into more trouble with everyone I encountered. I had been arrested for possession of CDS (controlled dangerous substance) and I became more embittered and enraged. I was smoking marijuana, angel dust (PCP), mescaline, and cocaine quite frequently throughout the day, everyday. I quit my job with AT&T, and moved out of my home that I lived in, with my sister. I would end up homeless and jobless. I found that it was still easy to get high, but not as easy to eat or to get food. I would do elaborate things to get food at fast food restaurants. I would call and complain about poor service that I got and the managers would be inclined to want to make good on their service by offering some kind of concession. I would act as if it were not necessary. They would insist and I got a free meal.

I ended up getting arrested for possession of CDS and had an ounce of marijuana on me but this time I had made a promise to God that if he got me out jail I would promise to never get high again, and if so He could take my life. I was serious about this promise, I was already sick and tired of the way my life was going and I had promised myself that I would stop getting high because my life was going nowhere. I did have anything to lose. I was unhappy with who I was, unhappy about the people that I hurt in my life, unhappy about my life as a whole. I did not want to feel the pain anymore. I wanted to let it all go, but I did know how. I did know that I had to give up the drugs because it was killing me, and I did not want to go out like this. So on that day, January 9,1987 I committed to God never to get high again. To this day I have not, and needless to say I became a Christian. I got baptized that year on September 2, and I was given another opportunity to live life over again.

Since that time, I met and married my beautiful wife of almost 7 years, we have a beautiful daughter 15 months old, and at the time of this writing my wife is 7 weeks pregnant. I have an incredible job where I am paid a considerable amount of money, with great responsibility. My wife and I lead a Bible discussion group and I lead CR for one of the regions in the NYC church. It is an incredible life as a disciple and I owe a great deal of that to the Chemical Recovery ministry. I am indebted to this ministry and I serve in it with that heart. I have seen the power of God at work in the lives of so many people over the years, and at every step it has encouraged me to keep giving to the cause of Christ. I firmly believe that if willing, anyone can change and overcome, with Jesus. To God is the glory!

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