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I Went Home Bitter And Addicted

 Editor    Feb 04 : 14:06
 None    Recovery Stories

I grew up in a fairly large family; there were seven of us.

I grew up in a fairly large family; there were seven of us. We lived with my Mom, who cared for us and made the most out of what little we had. She drank and partied on the weekends, so I was exposed to alcohol early on in life. I tried marijuana and opium at age twelve but felt it was a waste of time and money. I would not indulge until later in life. It wasn't until age seventeen, when I started attending college, that I began indulging in all kinds of immoral behavior.

By this time, my friends were telling me that my behavior had begun to change.
College marked my independence and signified my coming of age. I was attracted immediately to the parties and the apparent fun, people were having and I wanted it too. I was a novice when it came to the various drug scenes, but I did not let anyone know. I acted very knowledgeable, to cover up the fear that I had to try any of these things. I began to smoke marijuana and to drink alcohol on the weekends. It wasn't long before the weekends were starting on a Thursday night. Soon after that, it became a regular routine. Daily I would get with the same group of guys and girls and we would drink and smoke to get work done, or to escape the work we needed to get done. My grades were affected by all this. I was placed on academic probation and never rebounded even though I eventually managed to get off probation.

By this time, my friends were telling me that my behavior had begun to change. I felt they were in some way jealous of the popularity I was enjoying. There was rarely a party on campus that I was not invited to; I would do just about anything I wanted when I got "high". I had no regard for the law, authority or my fellow students at the school. Often, I would intimidate others to get what I wanted. I burglarized the University Center that housed the money from all the video games and vending machines; I destroyed school property, and even indulged in lewd acts. I became a public hazard to the University. I was kicked out of school. I went home bitter and addicted.

From that time on, I would find myself in the worse neighborhoods looking for drugs. I felt I was better than those from whom I brought the drugs, because I had gone to college. I knew deep inside that I was just as much a loser as any of them, but I would not admit this to myself. Had I admitted it, it would have meant that I was not doing what I was supposed to and this made me feel guilty of the disappointment and shame I had caused my family and friends. The way to deal with this was not to deal with it. I simply didn't go around my family much. I was getting into more trouble with everyone I encountered. I had been arrested for possession of a controlled dangerous substance and I became more embittered and enraged.

By this time now, I was smoking marijuana, angel dust (PCP), mescaline, and cocaine quite frequently throughout the day, everyday. I quit my job with AT&T and moved out of the home that I lived with my sister. I would end up homeless and jobless. I found that it was still easy to get high, but not as easy to eat or to get food. I would do elaborate things to get food at fast food restaurants. I would call and complain about poor service. The managers would be inclined to make good on their service by offering some kind of concession. I would act as if it were not necessary but they would insist and a free meal would follow.

I got arrested again for possession, having an ounce of marijuana on me. I had made a promise to God that if he got me out jail I would never get high again, and if so He could take my life. I was serious about this promise, I was already sick and tired of the way my life was going and I had promised myself that I would stop getting high because my life was going nowhere. I had nothing to lose. I was unhappy with who I was, and how I had hurt the people in my life. I did not want to feel the pain anymore. I wanted to let it all go, but I did know how. I did know that I had to give up the drugs because it was killing me, and I did not want to go out like this. So on that day, January 9,1987 I committed to God never to get high again.

To this day, through God's power, I have kept this pomise. I became a Christian, getting baptized that year on September 2, 1987. I had been given another opportunity to live life over again. I got married to my beautiful wife of now, almost 7 years, we have a precious daughter 15 months old, and at the time of this writing my wife is seven weeks pregnant with our second child. I have a well paying job with great responsibility. My wife and I lead a family group and I also lead CR for one of the regions in the New York City church.

It is an incredible life as a disciple and I owe a great deal of that to the Chemical Recovery ministry. I am indebted to this ministry and I serve in it with all my heart. I have seen the power of God at work in the lives of so many people over the years, and every step of the way it has encouraged me to keep giving to the cause of Christ. I firmly believe that, if willing, anyone can change and overcome with Jesus. To God be the glory!

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