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Too Great A Price

 Editor    Jan 27 : 22:20


Can a human body really take that much smoke?

StoriesI am an addict. My drug of choice is cigarettes. It used to be, one on the way to dance class, one before class, two or three in between class, two after class, three after lunch, one every hour to half hour depending on the level of bitterness in my heart, and an entire pack chain-smoked at night.

Can a human body really take that much smoke? Apparently so, because this was my life.I smoked in order to shut off all feeling. I was bitter about the loneliness that I felt and the rejection that I received in life. I felt as though I would destroy everything in my path if I let myself feel all the rage that was in my heart.

So I smoked to forget how cruel I could be and how angry I was. I thought I was calming my anger with each deep inhalation of smoke, but instead I was only shoving it deeper down. I became cold and hard; no one could break me except God. 

My heart slowly began to soften when I studied the Bible and was baptized, but it wasn't until I wrote my CR journal and finally took responsibility for the pain that my addiction had caused myself, those around me and ultimately God that my heart broke open. The last time I had a cigarette was October 10, 1998. 

Now I fight to feel everything on a heart level because I remember the emptiness of an emotionless life. I remember that a heart of stone cannot feel the impact of the crucifixion. I remember that one cigarette can keep me from feeling everything that keeps me close to my God and that is too great a price to pay for a little smoke.

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