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Willingness To Change - Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

 Editor    Jun 26 : 13:25
 None    Traditions

I’m a sex addict, using and abusing women and pornography since I was 8.

I’m a sex addict, using and abusing women and pornography since I was 8. It is my sin of choice. This is what I turn to when I want to self-medicate and not face my feelings or the situation I find myself in. Having tried and failed at several different types of treatment, I had conceded that there was no hope, so I gave in to it fully. 

A brother close to me suggested that I try attending Chemical Recovery meetings. Even though it is a drug and alcohol recovery group, it is open to anyone and simply sitting there and listening could help me.

Until I started attending I didn’t believe that change was possible. Every day I would look in the mirror and forget “who I am.” (Jas 1:23). I would’ve never admitted that every inclination of my heart was evil. I would’ve never said I’m wicked. I thought I was essentially a good person. If I don’t admit any thing is wrong then there is nothing to fix.

One day, at group, I was asked “are you willing to change?”, I thought: Willing to change? “Of course I am! I’m here aren’t I? Look at all I’ve done. I’ve confessed and I’m trying.” On my first confession of adultery, I tried to convince some of how spiritual I am. Hmm....willing to change...really? No, I wasn’t really willing. I wasn’t accepting that I am an addict or admitting who I am.” In fact I was deceitful at best and a liar. The scary thing is that I was deceiving myself and lying to myself and I didn’t know it or maybe just didn’t want to hear it. I was full of words.

One of my favorite quotes is “who you are screams so loud that I can’t hear what you are saying.” Like the guy in John 5, a lot of people come and go, show up to group but never change, thinking somehow that just being there is enough. Always blaming others and loaded with excuses. Our hearts are deceitful. (Jer 17:9)

The invalid in Jn 5 needed Jesus to heal him. When asked the question “Do you want to get well?” you would expect him to tell Jesus; man I’ve been coming here for 38 years, what do you think. But even after Jesus asked him there is no action. Jesus had to say “take up your mat.” Later still, Jesus finds the guy and says stop sinning or something worse may happen. Did he really change?

I had to let people in my life; people who would tell me the truth. I had to commit to pursuing change. Change is hard. I had to face, connect with, and feel the pain. I had reached the point that I hated who I was more than I hated the pain to change. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. In the end, I had to get real. I had to work out my salvation with fear and trembling and humble myself (Phil 2:12). I’m not good... not even a little bit. I’m now, by Jesus, forgiven and accepted.

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